WHY OUR PARTNER CAN'T BE OUR FRIEND!

by Rick Martenson  MS Ed., LMHC, NCC, DAPA

Misinformation is much worse than no information. A lack of information at best might cause us to move more slowly and cautiously until we are sure we are moving in the right direction; at worst we won't hate ourselves for ending up at the wrong place. Misinformation is moving at top speed in the wrong direction. I hear a lot of misinformation as I sit daily in my office. People are misinformed about interpersonal relations, parenting, and especially the most intimate of relationships - marriage. One of my favorite nuggets of misinformation about marriage is that “we should marry our best friend” or “our spouse should be our best friend”. I've got a couple thoughts on this wrongheaded thinking that should give every married reader something new to think about.
Lets look first at a best friend. Think about your best friend - they are most likely the same gender as you, they are about your age, they might belong to the same church or vote with the same political party. You don't try to control them and they don't try to control you. You like many of the same things. You probably think alike and they often seem to know what you are thinking. Their behavior is predictable and you almost always part company feeling better for having spent time together.
Does this sound like the person you married? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! They are nothing like your best friend. Your best friend is like another version of you - they're your clone.
Now let's look at your marriage partner. They are strange - not like you, in fact they are very different in most ways. We marry our opposites - people that we would almost never choose as a best friend. Talk about control! I've spent half my married life trying to change my wife into someone she's not…now I'm working on accepting who she is, and trying to accommodate who she's becoming. Not every day brings success. Sometimes I regress and try again to change her - sometimes she shows me new behaviors that I'm not prepared for. One thing is sure - intimate relationship promises ongoing effort.
Best friends are like old slippers - you immediately feel comfortable with them. Intimate relationship partners are like eating at a new restaurant…there's a level of comfort but there are also some surprises and not all of them are pleasant. When we marry, we gain a partner who has skills in areas where we are deficient - the pop song said, “I've got a brand new pair of roller skates - you've got a brand new key”. So join me in trying to embrace the idea that my partner is someone who will always bring difference to my life.